"What Comes Next or Meet the Dunnes"

CAST
The play requires five actors, three men, two women, whose ages may vary. It takes place in three parts, which are suggested by slashes below in the breakdown:
ETTA, petulant yet yearning/KOUKLA, entitled and emotional/GIRLY, salt-of-the-earth
KLEINER, petulant yet yearning/BEAU, entitled and emotional/LITTLE TIMMY, an old man playing a scrappy, Our Gang-like kid
DOCTOR, an unctuous TV shrink-type/ACTOR, an actor/POP-POP, a kid playing a crusty old coot
BELLE, gentle, thoughtful, yet direct/ACTRESS, an actress/MOIRA, an officious type with hidden depths
GUY, grumpy yet sincere and searching

ACT ONE – SCENE ONE
The sound of a text coming in. GUY mumbles awake.

GUY
Aw, no!...(getting up) For God’s sake…

The sound of his footsteps in a vast, empty, echoing void. The sound of a door opening. He enters a new space. The sound of people murmuring grows clearer. Four people sit in a therapeutic circle: BELLE, KLEINER, ETTA, and DOCTOR.

                                                         DOCTOR
Thank you for coming, Guy. Finally.

                                                         GUY
Sorry, Doc, I overslept. I was having a dream.

DOCTOR

                           Well, we were going around the circle and saying what coming here means to us.

                                                    GUY
(rolls eyes) Swell.

Sound of pulling up a chair.

                                                DOCTOR

                           Go on, Etta.

ETTA
It’s the lack of unhappiness. It’s hard for me to express how
strange it is. Maybe I shouldn’t be saying this.

DOCTOR
You see what you’re doing?

                         ETTA
What?

                          DOCTOR
You’re falling back into old – you’re –

ETTA
Taking it away from myself.

DOCTOR
Exactly.

ETTA
I know. Even now, I just stopped myself from saying, I used to be miserable!

                          DOCTOR
At least now you know. That’s the first step toward stopping.

ETTA
That’s true, it is.

DOCTOR
And that’s huge.

KLEINER
Congrats, Ella!

ETTA
It’s Etta. But thank you, Kleiner. Let me shout it then. I don’t feel like shit! In fact, I am having a lark!

DOCTOR
Good for you.

KLEINER
Hallelujah!

ETTA
I am on a toot!

GUY
Jesus Christ.

KLEINER
May I say something?

DOCTOR
That’s what we’re here for.

KLEINER
Just two things. For me, it was the displacement. The sense of – well, “wanderlust” would be a good thing, wouldn’t it? Of being lost. Of having no home. It made me very – shaky. I found I slept a lot to escape it. But not any more.

 He passes out, snoring.

GUY
For God’s sake.

                                    ETTA
If we whisper, could we –

                                  DOCTOR
Well, maybe we should move on, if –

 Kleiner wakes up, with a grunt.

KLEINER
Was I out? I’m sorry. I’m drooling a little, so I suspect that I –

DOCTOR
It’s okay. Here’s a tissue, if you –

                                 GUY
What’s the second thing?

KLEINER
Excuse me?

GUY
You said two things. We heard one. What’s the other?

KLEINER
I wasn’t finished with the first one.

GUY
Great.

KLEINER
I was going to say - when I slept, of course, like everyone, I still dreamed. And my dreams were the same as they were before. So it’s like I went from one dream to another, there was really no waking up.

  DOCTOR
Well put.

                           KLEINER
And that gets me to my second thing. I felt that I’d been left out in the open – animal-like, exposed. Prey. And that made me stutter a little. Right now, I’m avoiding certain words, so I don’t get tripped up.

                         DOCTOR
Words like –

                        KLEINER
Vulner – see, I can’t. Vulner –

                         DOCTOR
It’s okay. Take your time.

                        KLEINER
Vulnera – (passes out, snoring)

                         DOCTOR
Well, we all progress at our own pace. (to Guy) Now, Guy,
would you like to say something?

                         GUY
No, not at all.

                         DOCTOR
And why is that?

                         GUY
I’m only here because I got the text. I had no choice.

                        DOCTOR
That’s apparent.

GUY
Well,  you say that as if it’s a bad thing. What’s better, wanting to be here like these – not being able to wait to – they’re the well-adjusted ones.

DOCTOR
I never said that they were.

                        GUY
Who ever thought this would be a walk in the park? Since the start of time, people have been in this state and were  – well, if not stoical about it then – sanguine, is that the right word?

                       DOCTOR
It’s not important. I know what you’re saying.

                        GUY
And now everyone is immediately taken in by this (indicates the group) bogus attempt to assuage – this bone thrown to us – crumbs, for Chrissake. Well, I’m sorry, but we’re dead, okay? We’re not in Disneyland.

                       KLEINER
Oh, my God!

ETTA
I can’t listen to this!

KLEINER
 That is too much!

                    DOCTOR
If you don’t mind, we actually…we like to refer to death now as “Life Cessation.” Or L.C. for short. And we now call the dead “Elsies.”

                   KLEINER
That sounds good.

ETTA
Nice!

Guy stares at him.

                    GUY
You’ve got to be kidding.

DOCTOR
No. I’m not. But I’m interested in why you – who’s “kidding?”
Who’s a “kid”? A kid is a child, am I right?

 Guy just makes a denunciatory sound.

                  DOCTOR
You don’t want to answer.

                  GUY
(exaggerated hoarseness)
Frog in my throat. Go onto someone else. It’s someone else’s turn.   

                         DOCTOR
I’m willing to wait while you – I can get you a gargle, if you –

  GUY
(exaggerated hoarseness)
I don’t want to hurt my vocal chords. I’m afraid for my long-term health.

                         DOCTOR
So you’d rather just sit in silence than –

                    GUY
(exaggerated hoarseness)
Not “silence.” It’s “Noise Absence” now. N.A. for short.

KLEINER
He’s a spoiler! He’s causing me great agitation! See, I almost stuttered on that last sentence when I said that.

                      ETTA
It’s like he’s been put here to represent the old ways to experience this, the ways that we’re trying to escape!

KLEINER
It’s true. The old vulner – vulnera – I haven’t seen him smile once since he got here. He’s not carefree. He’s “uneasy.”

                      ETTA
And we’ve had quite enough of “uneasiness” here, thank you very much!

                     DOCTOR
I don’t think this is the most constructive way to – (to Belle)Belle, we haven’t heard from you. What do you think about him or – frankly – another topic?

                       BELLE
Well…obviously, I don’t know him, so…I wouldn’t presume to – judge.

                       KLEINER
Really?                  

BELLE
But given what I’ve heard from him, I’m not automatically inclined to – condemn. Maybe it’s good to get a different – perspective on this experience. (others make incredulous, denunciatory noises) Look, this hasn’t been – easy for me, either. And it’s eternal. Or as good as.

DOCTOR
You’re implying that you’ve had trouble.

BELLE
Well, let’s just say, I’m as – (indicates Kleiner) vulnerable – as the next one. I took the opportunity to come here today as a relief.

GUY
It wasn’t an opportunity, okay? It was a command. I read the text: “Attendance Mandatory.”

                  BELLE
That’s true. I guess what I meant to say was – part of me – welcomed it. (to Guy) That probably repels you.

GUY
That’s a little strong. I’m surprised, let’s put it that way. You seem more – sensible – than the rest.

BELLE
Well, maybe I used to be. When I was out there. But here it’s hard to - it’s partly panic, I won’t deny it.

DOCTOR
Please speak to me, if you don’t mind. He’ll hear you.

BELLE
Oh. All right.

              GUY
Jesus. Excuse me for liv – sitting here.         

             DOCTOR
(to Belle) I’m glad to hear that this new program—created, of course, in response to everyone’s complaints—is helping you, Belle. That’s why I’m here.

  BELLE
Well, I wouldn’t go that far, I just –

            DOCTOR
Not that I’m an actual psychiatrist—though who knows what I am or what I was?—I was just enlisted because my voice sounds compassionate and I wear a white coat well. But, still, it’s gratifying to hear that you’re grateful.

            BELLE
Look, when they came to get me this morning, they didn’t have to drag me, that’s all, as I heard they had – some others. (indicates Guy) I sort of fell willingly into their arms – maybe passively –

                         DOCTOR
Not at all.       

                        BELLE
And all through the interviewing process and assigning us to groups, I – well, I was hopeful.

                       DOCTOR
That’s what we want.

                      BELLE
I didn’t even hate the hand stamp. I felt it was more like a rock concert than, well—

                      GUY
A concentration camp?

                     BELLE
Exactly. I mean, it’s temporary, after all. Isn’t it? (starts to rub her hand a little; then licks it) I can’t seem to get it…

                     DOCTOR
It confirms your attendance at each session and will become slightly lighter with time.

                    BELLE
(rubbing harder) Really? I had no idea that –I wouldn’t be able to…rub it…

                    ETTA
I like it. It feels like belonging.

                    KLEINER
And the bright color is cheering.

                   DOCTOR
(to Belle) So thank you for your testimonial.

                   BELLE
(rubbing even harder) Well, I wouldn’t call it that, I—it really won’t come off!

                  DOCTOR
And that’s our session for today.

                 ETTA
Already?

KLEINER
What do you mean?

                 ETTA
We were just getting started.

                DOCTOR
Exactly. This was only your first session.

               KLEINER
Well, when’s the next one?

               DOCTOR
Someone will force you to – I mean, invite you to come.

              KLEINER
You mean, it won’t be you?

              DOCTOR
No. You know that. There’s no way for any of us to see the same people again. It will be one of my “colleagues.” You’ll be well taken care of.

              ETTA
But I want you.

            KLEINER
Me, too. I already feel dependent.

            GUY
Good going. See what you’ve started?

           DOCTOR
Look, I can’t – I only deal with the small things. The grains of sand that –

         KLEINER
Oh, thanks a lot!

          ETTA
Now we’re grains of sand!

         DOCTOR
I wasn’t calling you that, I…Look, I’m going to give you a few exercises and affirmations.

         ETTA
Exercises?

        KLEINER
You mean, that’s it?

       DOCTOR
Let’s just try them, all right? They’ll only take a minute. Please stand.

Sounds of them standing. Then…

DOCTOR
Guy?

       GUY
I’ll just observe, thanks.

       DOCTOR
Everyone else, place your hands loosely at your sides. Close your eyes. (grumbling, they do) Now relax your neck and roll your head slowly forward. Then roll to the left…

        KLEINER
Like this?

DOCTOR
Sort of…and to the right.

 We hear them straining to do this.

        GUY
This is the most you’re going to get. Don’t expect to get any more.

      DOCTOR
Shh. Now, as you roll, think of the words, “We’re all in this together.”

     KLEINER
We’re all in this—

DOCTOR
Think, not say.

GUY
This is it! This is as deep as it goes!

DOCTOR
Have you thought them? Now I’m going to say the first four words, and you’ll come in on the last one. Out loud. I’ll say, “We’re all in this,” and you’ll say, “together.” And try to time the “together” to the final head roll.

      GUY
Feeling better? It’s working, isn’t it? Enjoy!

     DOCTOR
Guy, I’m going to ask you to wait outside if you don’t –

     ETTA
(rolling) Could we do this? I’m getting dizzy here!

  DOCTOR
All right, yes, let’s start. “We’re all in this…”

     ETTA
We’re all in this—

DOCTOR
No – on the last word.

KLEINER
Weren’t you listening?

DOCTOR
That’s all right. I think we’ve made a good beginning, and that’s  all we can ask. Enjoy.

 Humming, Doctor starts to pack up. Kleiner awakens, with a grunt.

      KLEINER
(to Etta) I don’t know if I can wait till the next time.

ETTA
Me, either. Should we just hold him here, or…

KLEINER
Yeah. I’ll get his arms, and you –

GUY
Better go, Doc.
DOCTOR
(looks up)
What?

GUY
Run, while you still can!

Panicked, Doctor quickly packs up. The sound of his feet, fleeing. Door opens, closes. Others sigh.

    ETTA
Well. Where do we go now?

KLEINER
Where do we ever go?

ETTA
I enjoyed meeting you, Kleiner.

KLEINER
Me, too. It’s nice to know I wasn’t the only one smiling. 

ETTA
There are going to be many more of us happy here, my friend. Our numbers are going to grow. Times – or whatever this is – are changing.

KLEINER
Things are looking up.

   ETTA
Let’s go somewhere else and feel better. Okay?

 Looking distrustfully at Guy and Belle, they exit together. Door closes.

 Beat. Awkwardness. Then –.

     BELLE
I’m Belle. You’re Guy?

GUY
That’s the name they gave me.

    BELLE
Me, too, of course. (beat) Want to walk with me?

GUY
What would be the point?

BELLE
Does there have to be one?

 Door opening. Then sounds of their squeaking shoes, walking in a vast, echoing space.

        GUY
Why waste time? Death is short. Just a joke.

BELLE
But do you really feel it? The way you did when we were alive? The same uncertainty and the fear of what comes next? It gave us a certain urgency, a reason to invent religions, etc. But here there’s no hope of – anything – after death.

GUY
There’s no reason to feel anything. You’re a perfectly pleasant looking woman, pretty even, more than that – and I don’t feel – drawn. I can only admire you, the way I might have once done a painting.

BELLE
What kind? The one with all the drips?

                        GUY
No, you look like a – lovely landscape, a pastoral village, with women in wonderful smocks, carrying water up from a well. And men who always look a little bit like – trolls – no matter how tall and attractive they are. I can stand back and shake my head, staring at your chiaroscuros. Whatever that means, and if they even had them in pastoral paintings. And that’s all.

                       BELLE
That’s better than nothing.

                         GUY
No, nothing is what it is. So how can we do anything but suffer from it?

                         BELLE
Isn’t that what they’re trying to eliminate now?

                         GUY
With what, exercises and affirmations, fittingly with our heads pointed at our asses? And Elsies, that fits. Like cows, marching in a line, chewing on our cheeks, and smiling – if cows could smile. That isn’t therapy, not like my own, such as it was, one week, when I was alive.

                        BELLE
Wait. You mean – you remember your life?

                              GUY
(weighs responding, then -) Maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, but – what the hell, I’ll never see you again. You know, our dreams, the one thing that weirdly remains? What do you think our dreams are, fantasies? Sure, that’s what they tell us, just so we don’t start longing for what’s in them that’s gone for good. But I think our dreams are our lives before we died.

 She stops walking.

                              BELLE
But they’re so…You mean, when I was alive, a talking apple pie and I were two skydivers, stuck together, and we fell through a farmhouse into a giant pool where there were hundreds of tiny synchronized swimmers? And then, suddenly, Mark Twain and I were sixth graders, playing Dodgeball with live grenades? And then my right foot blew up into a blimp, advertising something called “Ass Oil.” And it hovered over a giant tank of ravenous, singing sharks? Really? That was some life I had.

                              GUY
Well…I haven’t entirely – ironed out – this idea. But I definitely think that there’s plenty of…Like last night? In my “dream”? I was a kid and I was being mocked for crying by my father, who said I was his youngest child, even though I think I wasn’t, I think I was in the middle maybe. And afterwards, I had to stop walking in the street, because I was crying too hard to continue. I had to stand faced away against a wall, and I was glad it was winter so it would seem my tears were because of the cold and not be embarrassed. It was just a shard, a flash of something – but it was a flashback, I’m convinced of it.

 Sounds of their shoes squeaking again, in the vast space.

                         BELLE
So, alive, you were a sensitive person. You don’t seem that way here. I mean, you piped right up – dyspeptically – in the meeting.

                         GUY
That’s true. Maybe I’m this way here, because of what happened there. (thinks) Or maybe it was a memory of someone else. Maybe I saw someone else crying in the street, and it stuck with me. But how did I know he was crying about his father? Maybe—

                        BELLE
Maybe it was just a dream.

 He is deflated.

                         GUY
I was so sure! (sighs) This is me.

 They have stopped.

                        BELLE
How can you tell?

                       GUY
My 128^th step. I’d ask you in, but…

                      BELLE
I understand. (beat) We walked together, after all.

              GUY
Right.

He opens a door, goes in. Determined, she follows. He stops.

                        GUY
Look, I’m aware that the powers that be, whoever they are, are trying to cope with the new unrest – the dissatisfaction that’s growing, but…they’re just creating a new form of control. It’s a can of worms.

                       BELLE
Maybe times are changing.

                       GUY
Here? Forget it.

                      BELLE
We’re evolving here. Maybe that’s a more – exact – term.

  GUY
It would be the first time in human history – if human is even what we are now. It would be auspicious, if that’s the word.            

                   BELLE
You must have been pretty articulate, too, when you were alive.

                    GUY
I still show “a few signs of it” here, is that what you’re saying?

BELLE

 Articulate. And touchy. (beat) You shouldn’t hide your light, Guy.   

                   GUY
Not to be rude, but what can we actually do?

                 BELLE
Just be together. I don’t know – maybe it’s still an instinct.

                GUY
That’s a limb as dead as the rest of us, don’t trust it.

BELLE
I never see the same men – I don’t have to tell you. And seeing you from one situation to the next today, I feel you’re a friend. My best friend. I know it’s absurd. But it makes me feel better. Isn’t that good?

               GUY
Well – no – because –what, would we make love? Grab a bite? You know we need to do neither. And that’s not much of a date.

              BELLE
I don’t want a date.

 He looks at her.

              GUY
So we would just – wander – together?

             BELLE
In so many words.

             GUY
That wouldn’t last. It never does. Eventually, we’d drift apart. You know this. There’s no need to be close to anyone – no cause for procreation – so there’s no longer any love. This new bullshit bucking up creates a dangerous expectation. It’s an opiate of the masses, as somebody once said. If you’d only relax, you’d see that the need would recede. Because it can never be filled.

             BELLE
Why are you so – wise?

  GUY
I’m not. I just know what I can’t have.

             BELLE
Okay. Well. Bye then.

 She starts to go.

             GUY
Bye. I won’t miss you, I can’t lie about that.

            BELLE
You might miss talking to me.

            GUY
I doubt it. Right now, out there, people living are actually missing us – missing us horribly, in some cases – and we don’t even remember who they are. And since every blink of our eyes could be a second or a century out there, everyone we loved could be long dead – even the people who missed the people missing us are dead.

  BELLE
Well, time flew talking to you, that’s for sure. We mingled for a whole millennium, maybe.

 She opens the door.

           BELLE
I think one day you’ll trust in the change. Some other woman will get the benefit, and I’ll have to be happy for her. But happy is what I’ll be.

            GUY
That’s the real dream.

 She turns back.

          BELLE
Did you know that the Navaho Indians never liked to finish anything? They always kept something missing at the end of everything they did, when they told a story or sewed a garment. Because actually ending it was like death to them. They always retained a little life. The things that come back, it’s funny, isn’t it? Maybe I was an Indian. Or a cowboy. Anyway. I won’t say goodbye.

 We hear her walking away, into the echoing void. Guy looks after her.

 END SCENE ONE

Laurence Klavan received two Drama Desk nominations for the book and lyrics of Bed and Sofa, the musical produced by the Vineyard Theater in New York and the Finborough Theatre in London. His one-act, “The Show Must Go On,” was the most produced short play in American high schools in 2015-2016. He wrote the story collection, 'The Family Unit' and Other Fantasies, published by Chizine in Canada. His novella, Albertine, was published by Leamington Books in Scotland. An Edgar Award-winner, he wrote the novels, The Cutting Room and The Shooting Script (Ballantine) and co-wrote with Susan Kim the YA graphic novels, Brain Camp and City of Spies (First Second) and the YA fiction trilogy, Wasteland (Harper Teen). The full version of “What Comes Next or Meet the Dunnes” was recorded as a podcast by 21^st Century Players out of Washington, DC.